This particular xanga is starting to give me the same feelings Facebook used to give me. That was before I deactivated it.
My head is buzzing because It's scattered everywhere, plus the caffeine, antibiotics and painkillers I'm on.
The semester is officially over for me. Ironically I think I'll have the same grades I did in October. It's not what I wanted but I suppose I did fairly well for the mental state I was in.
Most of me wants to forget this semester. My mind wasn't in the right place for most of it and I had to go back to therapy halfway through. She offered anti depressants to me but I declined. I forgot why I did again..
Everything is out of control. And when I say everything I mean everything. I told my therapist yesterday that the protective walls I had built around myself were slowly tumbling. A good thing and bad thing i suppose.
But I did meet some amazing people...
And now I'll be going to group therapy.
and next semester I'll be working on my English major.
idk..
I created another blog on here..if you wanna read message me and maybe I'll send you a link.

For now I'm trying to think of a poem to write or a old poem to edit to publish in the red shoes review. Perhaps I should look through here.

I am almost convinced that part of growing up is your losing your ability to enjoy the small things. Suddenly the smallest gesture, an attempt to perhaps help someone, to give them a break, to show them that you appreciate them, goes completely unnoticed. Or ever worst sometimes this gesture is looked down upon in ridicule. Music might not sound the same and you no longer get a chill when they hit that crescendo or certain harmony. The sunset looks dull and the colors have no effect. Even your dreams diminishes in intensity. Everything becomes the same old crap. A gray blanket over your life and slowly moving on to just existing than actually living..So then what becomes the solution..

I was driving home today while the sun was setting. Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens was playing on a mix CD. I just happened to look in the rear view mirror and see the sun setting back in the west. It was one of those few perfect moments. An amazing song about love and death, the orange backdrop with streaks of salmon and dark purple in the sky, the wind blowing in through the windows and twirling the dream catcher hanging from my mirror. It was a combination of it that made the hair raise up on my neck, chills through my whole body and made my eyes brim with tears. And mind you I'm not one to easily cry nor do I like to cry. I didn't attempt to understand why but I just accepted the moment and loved it.